But I’m not totally sold on Ellen as a judge. I love her jokes, but her comments on the contestant’s performance are often a little too nice. And what music background does she have, anyway? She’s a stellar comedienne, but that’s no qualification for this show. And Kara DioGuardi is still less than outstanding. She’s not bad, but she’s not great, either. The bottom line is that the two of them combined can’t replace Paula Abdul and her drug-addled ramblings. And once Simon leaves, I fear the show will be headed way downhill. I’m sure they’ll try to pick up some curmudgeonly Brit to replace him, but I doubt it’ll work.

The problem I have with the judges is that their advice constantly contradicts itself. It’s always been a problem, but this year, it seems ten times worse. Contestants who sing a song with an arrangement close to the original are told, “You didn’t make the song your own.” If they change it up and don’t do a good job, they’re told, “When you sing a great song like that, you don’t need to make all those sorts of changes. Just sing it!” The judges are usually right when it comes to knowing if the contestant gave a good performance or not, but their advice is all over the place. They figure out whether they like a performance or not, then they have to think up reasons for it. Art is always somewhat subjective, so even for professionals in the music business I’m sure it’s difficult to put a finger on exactly what works or doesn’t work about a particular singer or performance. The judges will praise someone for being unique, then criticize another contestant for being too old-fashioned—that is, they don’t fit into the mold of a modern pop singer. But being old-fashioned makes them unique! Katie Stevens, for example, kept getting advice to sing a younger, newer song. She did that this week and gave a mediocre performance of a boring Kelly Clarkson song. Then the judges criticized her. The main thing they kept saying was that she didn’t know what sort of artist she was, which I guess is a valid complaint, but when her earlier choices were criticized, what can you expect? She probably shouldn’t have gone anywhere near that Clarkson song, but she felt obligated to do so after what the judges had told her. And there’s no point if having the judges give advice if their advice is bad. They don’t have a direct say in who advances from here on out, so why have them around if they aren’t going to coax better performances out of the competitors?

The next-most commonly seen clef (after the treble clef) is the bass clef. It’s used fairly frequently for some or all of the male parts in choral music, and is also seen in virtually any piano sheet music (aside from fake books). Now, if you spend the time, you’ll eventually get the bass clef down pat. But why on earth does music have to be written in the bass clef? Well, because it’s lower than the stuff in the treble clef, yes. But every time I see a grand staff, all I can think is “Wow, what a missed opportunity.” Middle C is the note on the first ledger line above the bass clef, and the first ledger line below the treble clef. If there were one more ledger line in between the staves, the notes on the bottom half would have the same names as the corresponding notes on the treble clef, but two octaves lower. You’d never have to bother with learning “Good Boys Do Fine Always” and “All Cows Eat Grass.” You could just write a treble clef with some extra symbol to indicates that it’s two octaves lower than a regular one. The fact that music notation doesn’t work this way pisses me off. The B below middle C would be between some ledger lines, but that’s no big deal. You’d also be able to indicate a lower range in what was formerly the bass clef—it’d be the same range as the subbass clef mentioned on the already-linked Wikipedia page. So you’d need fewer ledger lines down below the lower clef. I always hate it when I’m trying to figure out what a note is when it’s eighteen ledger lines below the staff.*

And plenty of times, using the bass clef is just annoying. For example, as I may have already mentioned, I’m in a production of Footloose right now,** and the vocal score gives some bass/baritone parts in the treble clef, and some in the bass clef. (Granted, I think the songs that have choral parts written in the bass clef are lower than the ones that just have treble clef, but still.) I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bass/baritone choral part in any musical (and I’ve done dozens) that went lower than a G or an A (bottom of the bass clef). Those would only be two ledger lines or two ledger lines and a space below the treble clef. But I’ll routinely see bass and tenor parts written in the bass clef, sometimes all the way up to an F, which requires just as many ledger lines. And the high Fs are far more common than the low As and Gs. I’m sure there are probably some operas where the bass clef is more useful than the treble clef for the low male parts, but in musical theatre (which is, as I’ve already noted, overrun with tenors), the bass clef is hardly ever truly called for.

The bass clef is a clef that should never have been popularized in its present form, and even if it continues to exist, should be used far less in vocal music.

* Okay, this is an exaggeration. And usually, the 8vb notation fixes this. And for the most part, I’m just playing whatever bass note the chord symbol tells me to anyway. But I like a legible bass clef for the occasions when I do bother to look at it.

** See, I told you I’d sneak more self-promotion into my posts.

First, some background courtesy of Wikipedia. The song was based on an Internet rumor which was brought to the attention of a member of the Christian music group NewSong. Now, I don’t know who this group is, but Wikipedia’s page on them says that they are notable for their charity work for underprivileged children. I have no reason to doubt that the members of NewSong are fine, upstanding members of their communities who do many good things, and I applaud them for that, but does that excuse coming out with the worst Christmas song ever? You decide. And to help you make that decision, I’ve prepared a detailed explanation of just how laughably terrible this song is.

The lyrics are terrible. Apparently the songwriters (Leonard Ahlstrom and Eddie Carswell) didn’t have access to a rhyming dictionary, because almost nothing that should rhyme actually does. It starts from the first couplet:

“It was almost Christmas time,
there I stood in another line.”

Nope, sorry, “time” and “line” don’t rhyme. “M” and “N” are not the same letter.

The next lines are no better:

“Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two,
not really in the Christmas mood.”

Again, two doesn’t have a “d” at the end of it, but “mood” does. No rhyme. Although, in fairness, the singer can’t be bothered to enunciate the “d” at the end of “mood,” so as sung, the lines actually do rhyme. But that just brings up the question: what the hell is a “Christmas moo”?

The next lines:

“Standing right in front of me
was a little boy waiting anxiously.”

Now, at least the final syllables have the same vowel sound here, but that doesn’t make it a rhyme! I’m a stickler when it comes to rhymes, and if you let your ears guide you, you’ll be a stickler too. Quoting Wikipedia again—it gives the definition exactly as I remember learning in my ninth-grade English class—”two words rhyme if their final stressed vowel and all following sounds are identical.” Now, I’d like to assume that any native speaker of English can identify the stressed vowel of a word he or she is familiar with, but given my knowledge of how many morons there are in the world, this probably isn’t a safe assumption. Fortunately, however, I know that you, dear reader, are undoubtedly of well above-average intelligence, given the fact that you’ve displayed enough patience to read this far into a blog entry. If I underestimate your intelligence, simply take my word for it that the stress in “anxiously” is on the first syllable, and move on.

Given that the stress is on the first syllable of “anxiously,” it’s quite clear that there is no way it can rhyme with “front of me.” So the songwriters are 0-for-3 in rhymes, with two strikeouts and a weak grounder to first.

Moving on:

“Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes”

First of all, how does one pace while in a line? Again, I’m baffled. And yet again, another rhyming swing and a miss from the lyricists. “Do” and “shoe” rhyme, but not “do” and “shoes.” What the hell makes them think that such sloppy writing is acceptable? Do they have no pride whatsoever? Even if I’m writing a song as shamelessly emotionally manipulative as this, I’m at least going to take the time to make it rhyme! 0-for-4 on rhymes. To mix my sports metaphors, if these guys were a kicker, they’d be Chip Lohmiller.*

Next couplet:

“His clothes were worn and old,
he was dirty from head to toe”

Another failure of rhyming. I couldn’t screw up this badly if I tried. 0-for-5.

Next:

“And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say”

OMG STOP THE PRESSES!!! A rhyme that’s actually correct! I didn’t think it was possible!

Now we get to the chorus. The song modulates up a step here; one would think they could hold off on the damn key changes, but nope, we get one right of the bat. So cheesy. There’s really no point in continuing to point out all the poor attempts at rhymes; I think you’ve got the hang of it by now. I do want to give some credit to the songwriters for this chorus; it builds wonderfully for maximum emotional impact on 42-year-old white evangelical protestant middle-class women.

“Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size”

Well that’s sweet. A kid buying his mother a Christmas present. And shoes—we all know women love shoes. But Christmas Eve? What procrastination. Typical man, putting off the Christmas shopping till the last minute.

“Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time”

Not much time for what?

“You see she’s been sick for quite a while”

Ohhhh. Well that revelation hits pretty hard. This is when people start crying.

“And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight”

I sincerely hope Jesus doesn’t care about shoes and whether dying women look beautiful. Is our Lord and Savior that shallow? I sure hope not. Also, as I recall, the euphemism “meets Jesus” is the one line that cracked me and my sister up when we first heard this song a few years back. We had been thinking, “Is this song for real?” and then we just burst into laughter at that line.”

“He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said ‘Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes.’”

Begging the other people in line for money? That’s pretty damn desperate, especially after you just held up the line for “what seemed like years.” (Really, it was probably ninety seconds you exaggerating, impatient narrator.) If you were gonna beg for money, why not do it right away instead of taking out all the damn pennies? And could your emotional blackmail be any more gratuitous? The guy just heard you say that your momma’s gonna meet Jesus tonight. And it’s Christmas Eve? You could make a fortune, kid.

“So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
‘Mama’s gonna look so great.’”

Ugh, you gave in, you pathetic sap. You probably give money to those damn can-shakers at the corner of Earhart and Carrollton.

Then the chorus repeats, modulating up another step. Key changes are the favorite device of shitty songwriters.** Then to the bridge:

“I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about”

Now, I’ve come across a few blogs noting the rather dubious theological underpinnings of a world view in which God gives women cancer and sends poor little boys to buy shoes on Christmas Eve solely for the purpose of serving as a reminder of the true meaning of Christmas for tired, hassled men buying last-minute gifts. Without getting into any theological debates on the influence of God upon worldly events, the existence of fate, etc., I think those views exaggerate what is being said here. The narrator does not suggest that God caused the woman to have cancer, merely that the chance meeting between boy and narrator was facilitated by God in order to remind the narrator “what Christmas is all about.” That’s a big difference.

(Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m actually defending the songwriters.)

After the bridge, it’s back to the chorus—but this time, it starts off with the warbling of a children’s choir. Yet another cliche—throw in a bunch of little kids. Then the lead vocalist sings along with the choir. Finally, the tempo slows, and the boy, the real star of the song, gets to sing “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight,” then the song ends with a brief outro.

So basically, this song sucks. Who the hell writes a Christmas song all about death and shoes, anyway?

* An explanation for those of you who weren’t Saints fans in 1995: Lohmiller was the Saints’ kicker for eight games, compiling the dismal numbers of 8-for-14 on field goals and 11-for-13 on extra points. I remember being at one of the games where he missed an extra point (looking through the box scores, it was either against the 49ers or the Dolphins) and remarking to my dad that a kicker that bad made going for two (the NFL had just adopted two-point conversions the previous year) seem like a much more viable proposition.

** That’s not to say there aren’t lots of really awesome key changes, but they’re very often a mere crutch.

Sometimes the performance turns into a riff-fest which completely ignores any semblance of a melody. Sometimes the singer forgets the lyrics. Sometimes they have no idea how to stay on pitch. It’s a big, giant mess for just about anyone. Even Whitney Houston, in perhaps the most famous rendition ever, had a big old orchestra behind her. And I have a message for all you aspiring national anthem a capella vocalists: YOU ARE NOT WHITNEY HOUSTON. Which, in some ways, is a good thing: it means you didn’t give this interview. But did she perform at Super Bowl XXV by herself, or with an orchestra? With an orchestra. Could Whitney (pre-drugs and anorexia and Bobby Brown and everything else) have pulled it off a capella? Yes. Can you? No. I have seen lots of very good singers embarrass themselves by attempting The Star-Spangled Banner. I’ve seen good renditions of the song by marching bands, by small singing groups, by enormous choirs, by brass bands. I’ve never seen a really stellar rendition by an unaccompanied singer. Now, I’m sure there have been a few good ones.** But it takes someone with a lot of talent to pull it off. So just don’t try it. And sports teams, please quit hiring singers to butcher the national anthem. Just get a marching band, or even play a tape over the PA system. At the very least, don’t hire Carl Lewis. Or Roseanne.

*The two most oft-mentioned candidates are “God Bless America,” which isn’t a terrible song but is hardly one of Irving Berlin’s best. And it’s completely unsuited to be a national anthem. If I had to describe the song with one adjective, it would be “plaintive.” National anthems should not be plaintive. They should be rousing, moving, stirring, and so forth–but certainly not plaintive. The other is “America the Beautiful,” which would be a better choice than God Bless America, especially if we use Ray Charles’s rendition. But I still don’t like it quite as much as I like the Star-Spangled Banner, and more importantly I hate change.
**I do want to give credit to Bryan Batt for his very solid performance at the Saints’ season opener. He rushed the first part of the song a little bit, but aside from that it was quite solid. But he’s a Broadway star, and you’re not. (Unless you actually are a Broadway star in which case OMG THAT’S AWESOME PLEASE COMMENT OR E-MAIL ME AND WE CAN BE BEST FRIENDS 4EVER!!!1!)