things kevin hates

The homeless guy at I-10 and Elysian Fields. The can-shaking sports teams at Carrollton and Claiborne. The Salvation Army bell-ringers. Your alma mater calling and asking for a donation. Your 8-year-son who wants a snowball. What do they have in common? They’re all people asking for money. Maybe you give them money, maybe you don’t, but surely, it’s annoying. (Okay, if you have an 8-year-old son, his asking for snowball money would probably be one of the least annoying things he does. I’m just guessing here, but I imagine I was pretty damn annoying at 8.)

But people need money. It makes the world go round. And in some cases, the best way to get money is to ask for it. The homeless guy doesn’t have a job but needs money for beer.* Universities have billion dollar endowments but still need more. And so on. For example, bloggers who can’t make any money with Internet advertising sometimes resort to begging for money. It’s annoying, and you probably would never give any money to them. But I figured hey, I’ll put a little “Donate” button in the sidebar and see what happens. Do I need the money? No—I’m an unemployed Latin teacher, but I’m in no danger of going broke anytime soon. Am I going to stop blogging? No. Do I have more money than the starving college students who make up most of my readership? Probably. To avoid being annoying, I’m only going to bring this up once, and I won’t mention it again. If you feel that you have a surplus of money and would like to direct some to me in appreciation of my brilliant blogging, that’d be great. Or just buy me a drink next time you see. Or let me crash on your couch during my month-long vacation binge.**

While I understand why people beg for money, that doesn’t make it any less annoying. The worst is people who walk up to your cars. Whether they’re homeless or fundraising for a charity or whatever, it’s dangerous and a nuisance. It’s a free country and if someone wants to make a sign and stand on the corner, so be it, but running into the street crosses the line.

* Okay, I admit, this is a gratuitous cheap shot on people who have been dealt a rough hand; many of them are mentally ill. But the average homeless person is not someone you want to trust with money. I’ve heard of people who keep sandwiches in their cars to give to homeless people, and I sorta would like to start doing this so I don’t feel like such a jerk when I drive by them. But what kind of sandwich would keep in a car that sits in 100-degree heat? I worry about PB&J because the jelly might go bad somehow, and some people are allergic to peanuts anyway. Wouldn’t that be a horrific headline: “Good Samaritan kills homeless man with peanut butter sandwich.” You’d never do a nice thing again.)

** You may have seen that on my twitter feed. (If you’re not following me, get on the bandwagon already!) I bought my JetBlue All You Can Jet pass and will be travelling like crazy from Sept. 7-Oct. 6. This is what I like to call the biggest fringe benefit of unemployment: the ability to do whatever the hell I want.