From the day after Thanksgiving through the 12 Days of Christmas, I’m pretty much a total Christmas music junkie. That includes spending a lot of time listening to the local all-Christmas music station. I’m not usually a fan of the modern, sappy stuff; give me a centuries-old carol or at least a 40s or 50s standard. But one tear-jerking song is so deliciously terrible that a shiver of excitement runs down my spine every time it comes on the radio. I speak, of course, of “The Christmas Shoes.” If for some reason you haven’t heard it yet, please check out the music video of it on youtube and have a good laugh before reading my dissection of it. (That video features scenes from a TV movie adapted from the song.)
First, some background courtesy of Wikipedia. The song was based on an Internet rumor which was brought to the attention of a member of the Christian music group NewSong. Now, I don’t know who this group is, but Wikipedia’s page on them says that they are notable for their charity work for underprivileged children. I have no reason to doubt that the members of NewSong are fine, upstanding members of their communities who do many good things, and I applaud them for that, but does that excuse coming out with the worst Christmas song ever? You decide. And to help you make that decision, I’ve prepared a detailed explanation of just how laughably terrible this song is.
The lyrics are terrible. Apparently the songwriters (Leonard Ahlstrom and Eddie Carswell) didn’t have access to a rhyming dictionary, because almost nothing that should rhyme actually does. It starts from the first couplet:
“It was almost Christmas time,
there I stood in another line.”
Nope, sorry, “time” and “line” don’t rhyme. “M” and “N” are not the same letter.
The next lines are no better:
“Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two,
not really in the Christmas mood.”
Again, two doesn’t have a “d” at the end of it, but “mood” does. No rhyme. Although, in fairness, the singer can’t be bothered to enunciate the “d” at the end of “mood,” so as sung, the lines actually do rhyme. But that just brings up the question: what the hell is a “Christmas moo”?
The next lines:
“Standing right in front of me
was a little boy waiting anxiously.”
Now, at least the final syllables have the same vowel sound here, but that doesn’t make it a rhyme! I’m a stickler when it comes to rhymes, and if you let your ears guide you, you’ll be a stickler too. Quoting Wikipedia again—it gives the definition exactly as I remember learning in my ninth-grade English class—”two words rhyme if their final stressed vowel and all following sounds are identical.” Now, I’d like to assume that any native speaker of English can identify the stressed vowel of a word he or she is familiar with, but given my knowledge of how many morons there are in the world, this probably isn’t a safe assumption. Fortunately, however, I know that you, dear reader, are undoubtedly of well above-average intelligence, given the fact that you’ve displayed enough patience to read this far into a blog entry. If I underestimate your intelligence, simply take my word for it that the stress in “anxiously” is on the first syllable, and move on.
Given that the stress is on the first syllable of “anxiously,” it’s quite clear that there is no way it can rhyme with “front of me.” So the songwriters are 0-for-3 in rhymes, with two strikeouts and a weak grounder to first.
Moving on:
“Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes”
First of all, how does one pace while in a line? Again, I’m baffled. And yet again, another rhyming swing and a miss from the lyricists. “Do” and “shoe” rhyme, but not “do” and “shoes.” What the hell makes them think that such sloppy writing is acceptable? Do they have no pride whatsoever? Even if I’m writing a song as shamelessly emotionally manipulative as this, I’m at least going to take the time to make it rhyme! 0-for-4 on rhymes. To mix my sports metaphors, if these guys were a kicker, they’d be Chip Lohmiller.*
Next couplet:
“His clothes were worn and old,
he was dirty from head to toe”
Another failure of rhyming. I couldn’t screw up this badly if I tried. 0-for-5.
Next:
“And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say”
OMG STOP THE PRESSES!!! A rhyme that’s actually correct! I didn’t think it was possible!
Now we get to the chorus. The song modulates up a step here; one would think they could hold off on the damn key changes, but nope, we get one right of the bat. So cheesy. There’s really no point in continuing to point out all the poor attempts at rhymes; I think you’ve got the hang of it by now. I do want to give some credit to the songwriters for this chorus; it builds wonderfully for maximum emotional impact on 42-year-old white evangelical protestant middle-class women.
“Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size”
Well that’s sweet. A kid buying his mother a Christmas present. And shoes—we all know women love shoes. But Christmas Eve? What procrastination. Typical man, putting off the Christmas shopping till the last minute.
“Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time”
Not much time for what?
“You see she’s been sick for quite a while”
Ohhhh. Well that revelation hits pretty hard. This is when people start crying.
“And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight”
I sincerely hope Jesus doesn’t care about shoes and whether dying women look beautiful. Is our Lord and Savior that shallow? I sure hope not. Also, as I recall, the euphemism “meets Jesus” is the one line that cracked me and my sister up when we first heard this song a few years back. We had been thinking, “Is this song for real?” and then we just burst into laughter at that line.”
“He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said ‘Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes.’”
Begging the other people in line for money? That’s pretty damn desperate, especially after you just held up the line for “what seemed like years.” (Really, it was probably ninety seconds you exaggerating, impatient narrator.) If you were gonna beg for money, why not do it right away instead of taking out all the damn pennies? And could your emotional blackmail be any more gratuitous? The guy just heard you say that your momma’s gonna meet Jesus tonight. And it’s Christmas Eve? You could make a fortune, kid.
“So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
‘Mama’s gonna look so great.’”
Ugh, you gave in, you pathetic sap. You probably give money to those damn can-shakers at the corner of Earhart and Carrollton.
Then the chorus repeats, modulating up another step. Key changes are the favorite device of shitty songwriters.** Then to the bridge:
“I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about”
Now, I’ve come across a few blogs noting the rather dubious theological underpinnings of a world view in which God gives women cancer and sends poor little boys to buy shoes on Christmas Eve solely for the purpose of serving as a reminder of the true meaning of Christmas for tired, hassled men buying last-minute gifts. Without getting into any theological debates on the influence of God upon worldly events, the existence of fate, etc., I think those views exaggerate what is being said here. The narrator does not suggest that God caused the woman to have cancer, merely that the chance meeting between boy and narrator was facilitated by God in order to remind the narrator “what Christmas is all about.” That’s a big difference.
(Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m actually defending the songwriters.)
After the bridge, it’s back to the chorus—but this time, it starts off with the warbling of a children’s choir. Yet another cliche—throw in a bunch of little kids. Then the lead vocalist sings along with the choir. Finally, the tempo slows, and the boy, the real star of the song, gets to sing “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight,” then the song ends with a brief outro.
So basically, this song sucks. Who the hell writes a Christmas song all about death and shoes, anyway?
* An explanation for those of you who weren’t Saints fans in 1995: Lohmiller was the Saints’ kicker for eight games, compiling the dismal numbers of 8-for-14 on field goals and 11-for-13 on extra points. I remember being at one of the games where he missed an extra point (looking through the box scores, it was either against the 49ers or the Dolphins) and remarking to my dad that a kicker that bad made going for two (the NFL had just adopted two-point conversions the previous year) seem like a much more viable proposition.
** That’s not to say there aren’t lots of really awesome key changes, but they’re very often a mere crutch.
Ok, Kevin, I was going to leave you alone for a while but you accosted one of the only Christmas songs I can stomach, a heartwarming tale about a man who helps a child WHOSE MOTHER IS DYING. First off, congratulations on being a Christmas music “junkie.” You and every other 40-year-old woman can tune into 101.9 and get your jollies in y’all’s minivans (oooh).
I’m glad you’re getting closer to becoming smarter than Smarter than Kevin. You’ve proven that you can tell what rhymes and how to keep count. However in terms of rhyme, you’re not right all the time (yeah that rhymed). Consider the following :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhyme
Now, if you can recall what your ninth grade teacher said, maybe you should recall a little more. THe writers are simply employing slant/imperfect/oblique rhyme. Also, thank you so much for using a sports metaphor. You know how many two-bit bloggers use sports metaphors? ALL OF THEM. Buf of course, that doesn’t suffice. You must show off your inane Saints’ trivia knowledge. Of course, this is only fitting for an Abita-drinking New Orleanian who lives in Kenner (I LOST MY HOUSE, DON’T MESS). Turn off ESPN for half an hour and watch some real TV (like MANswers, OH YEAH). Before that, though, you ask how one can pace in line. Have you seen a kid wait in a line patiently? NO. They could walk circles with no space at all. Perhaps he’s a little anxious and nervous because his MOTHER IS DYING.
Also, this is all not to say that I don’t appreciate your blogging. It’s half-way decent with it’s sweet embedded text and astericks. However, any respect I had for it was lost when a 20+ year old man with a master’s degree uses the phrase “OMG!!!!”. Holy santa claus shit that’s embarassing.
Of course the good Lord isn’t shallow. It’s the kid’s understanding of death–because his MOTHER IS DYING. Sure, go ahead and laugh at a child who doesn’t understand what death means but has to because his MOTHER IS DYING. I’m glad you and L-bomb got a good chortle out of it, but remember you are laughing at a child.
You also laugh at him for not having the correct amount of money. This too is ridiculous. He’s a child who couldn’t read the price tag and know if he could cover. I’m sorry he didn’t winn $100,000+ on Jeopardy!, but he’s just a child WHOSE MOTHER IS DYING. Maybe, though, he should have taken your lead and invseted his money (how’s Madoff treating ya?). Anyways, remember you’re laughing at a child.
Don’t go off on some pedantic tangent about the theological underpinnings of the song. It’s a great song that gives me the chills and causes me to sob more tears than the floodwaters that didn’t touch your damn house (oh, I’m sorry, I forgot you had to redo your pool. Are you shitting me?). It’s not about God, it’s about a guy who buys shoes for a kid. A KID WHOSE MOTHER IS DYING.
What masterpiece have you written that we can compare it to? After having written the book for a musical last year, I have a deeper appreciation for what it takes to write a meaningful ORIGINAL story let alone a musical. I watch TV, movies and live theatre with a different attitude. I don’t have to like the story to find soemthing redeeming in the structure — and vice versa.
While I always picture the ugliest possible shoes, I still think the song has its place. I simply choose to browse other channels rather than complain about a song that doesn’t appeal to me. If you hate it so much, why did you bother to post the lyrics and spend so much time with it?
What Christmas song do you like in contrast? Do you have story song that you do like with a Christmas theme? Can you write one? This would help me better understand where the hatred for these things comes from.
Smarter than Kevin:
Kevin isn’t laughing at the child, or the MOTHER WHO IS DYING. He’s laughing at a terribly written song. Period.
And why do you have to throw the Katrina card in there AND offend Kevin by saying that your house had more damage? Since when did we start trying to one-up each others’ damages caused by Katrina? Very mature. Katrina hurt everyone in the New Orleans area, whether their house had 15ft of water or 1 inch.
For someone who has spent a reasonable amount of time bashing someone for not loving this “heartwarming” song, you hit really low when criticizing their work.
It’s the “I Believe I Can Fly” of Christmas songs. The music and lyrics are, on the surface, beautiful and heartwarming, but the core of the song is tragically cheesy and poorly written.
And before you can retort with something like, “well how many of your songs play on the radio,” or before you correct any of my grammar, know that this is my opinion and my opinion only. I do not claim to be a brilliant song writer or have perfect grammar.
As far as I’m concerned, neither does Kevin.
Oh, B, half a case ago, I would have ignored this.
Do you really think that mocking my joke of capitalizing the “MOTHER DYING” is in anyway significant? It isn’t. It was just a point of emphasis I chose to use—highlighting the fact that the song was about a child whose mother is dying. Also, your comment on “he’s laughing at a terribly written song” both presumes that the song is terribly written and that my analysis of his critique is wrong/unjustified. If ol’ K-bomb is going to assault the only Christmas song I like, then it’s “my opinion and my opinion olny” (jeez, don’t you hate it when someone with actual intelligence uses your own words against you????). Not to mention the fact that I dissected almost every piece of evidence that allegedly “proved” that this song was sub-par. Smarter than Kevin: 1; Kevin:0.
Also, I’m not justifying my critique by saying I lost more than Kevin (WHICH I DID). I’m just mocking him for the fact that he portends to be a New Orleanian when he live in Kenner. If you lost more, congrats. I really don’t care if you did, I’m just saying that he shouldn’t use unnecessary Saints references or say that he drinks Abita Beer b/c he’s from N.O. because, although he might be able to quote more stats than I can, that doesn’t mean he’s from NOLA. Get off me, son. Also, when did I hit a “low”? Nothing I said is refutable, so unless you want to make an actual argument against my response, stuff it. I don’t want hear from a person with sub-par intelligence who thinks he/she can blow my argument away with a “straw man” attack (look it up since I know you don’t know what the hell I just referenced–welcome to the Ivies, son).
Wow. You say that the “music and lyrics are heartwarming” but it is poorly written? What is your “core” for a song? The melody? The lyrics? Neither, obviously, because you just admitted that those two elements were well done. So it must be the story, off which the song is based. In that case, you are saying that the tale of a young boy buying a pair of shoes for his mom (WHO IS DYING) is “poorly written.” Sorry that kid couldn’t write his story better, jackass. (By the way, you would make an R. Kelly reference. Go piss on a kid, why don’t ya?)
Finally, check your responses. I never mentioned putting Kevin’s songs on the radio (though who could go without such masterpieces as ‘I won Jeopardy!, bitch’ and ‘I hate everything good and wonderful in the world’?). I didn’t correct his grammar, nor did I suggest he supply something better. All I did was tear apart the rectum that was his offense to a great song which puts us all in the mood (HIS MOTHER IS DYING). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go John Belushi a bottle of Jack and call it a night (Again, look up the reference, since I am sure you are nowhere near as FRATTY as I am). Good Lord, I can’t see straight.
I was going to let this slide once, but since you made the same mistake twice, I’d like to state for the record that I live in Metairie, not Kenner. And thanks for some more material for the post on suburb-bashing I was already planning on writing.
Zing.
Ummmm reality check? The song isn’t based on a true story. Could it happen? Sure, but it was invented by some Christian denomination or other to urge readers to “keep Christ in Christmas”–even though Christmas festivities have their roots in the pagan holiday of Saturnalia, which I believe began a couple of centuries prior to the supposed birth of Christ. ANYWAY, his point is that song is maudlin and contrived, not that little kids with dying mothers are amusing.
Also, “Smarter Than Kevin,” if you want to make the argument about what you lost in Katrina vs. what Kevin (or anyone else) lost in Katrina, you’re a damn fool because it obviously has NOTHING to do with the original post. Having lost more or suffered more than someone else does in no way make you a better person than him/her. It’s fascinating that you love this song so much that it makes you cry, but you can’t understand its message. You’ll notice that the child in the song is putting aside his own pain and suffering to do a final good deed for his dying mother. His focus is not his own loss, and he doesn’t make it a point to tell anyone that his suffering is greater than theirs. No. He decides to GIVE back. Think that child is gonna grow up and use his loss and pain as a weapon, the way you do? You’d do well to actually think about the song, and maybe attempt to put its message to work.
But you’ll never do that. Obviously.
Kevin, you didn’t answer my questions…
What Christmas song do you like in contrast? Do you have story song that you do like with a Christmas theme? Can you write one?
One Christmas story song I like is “Do You Hear What I Hear?” According to Wikipedia, it was written as a cry for peace during the high tensions of the Cuban Missile Crisis, but it doesn’t bash your head in with it. “Good King Wenceslas” is an example of a traditional carol which tells a story and gives a moral, though, in terms of structure, the song is a bit repetitive. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” has a bit of a story, even though it’s increcibly simple (and catchy!) in its structure: just a I-iii-IV-V chord progression over and over and over.
One song that’s somewhat similar to “The Christmas Shoes,” though not exactly a story song, is Stevie Wonder’s “Someday at Christmas.” I don’t think I’d heard it before till I was driving home from rehearsal the other day, and its first lines (after a brief intro of Christmasy bells) arrested me: “Someday at Christmas men won’t be boys / Playing with bombs like kids play with toys.” Shockingly direct, but it works well here coupled with a catchy melody over a pleasant string-heavy accompaniment. It has a few slightly gimmicky key changes of its own, but the music is a thousand times better than “The Christmas Shoes.” The contrast between music and lyrics makes it effective, whereas “The Christmas Shoes” combines sappy music with sappy lyrics to make a treacly, unpleasant whole.
And I took you up on your challenge and spent the better part of two or three hours at the keyboard writing lyrics and music for a Christmas song. I have a complete first draft of lyrics, with the melody and chords partly written out. No religious or moral message, and not particularly great, but a reasonably decent romantic Christmas-related story song. And already better than “The Christmas Shoes.”
http://disturbedchristians.blogspot.com/2009/12/worst-christmas-song-ever.html