This is a bit of a happy entry, because it’s something I’m through with. But at the time, boy, did it suck. I’m talking about exam weeks in college. The bane of the past six years of my life, and I’m so glad I don’t have to put up with them anymore. Now I’m the one giving the exams, and that feeling is so much nicer than having to take them, and having to write all the papers, and finish all the projects, etc. But I do remember the misery of exam week, and I figured I’d commiserate with those of you who are suffering through it right now. I’m sure you’re looking for ways to procrastinate as you finish off those papers, so I consider this a public service.
Back in high school I actually enjoyed exam week, crazy as it sounds. Sure the exams weren’t fun, but I’d get afternoons off and get a chance to take a nap, play some video games, listen to some CDs (back in the day when you didn’t keep all your music on your computer or iPod), and relax. The exams were an hour, maybe an hour and a half. And there weren’t many papers to write. And my mother would usually bring me some fast food for lunch, maybe a roast beef po-boy from Shortstop.
But in college, it’s all different. Exams may take two or three hours, sometimes even four. (I never had any that long, but I’ve heard horror stories.) Maybe in math and the sciences this is justifiable, but there’s really nothing you can tell from a four-hour humanity final that you can’t tell from one that takes ninety minutes. It becomes a marathon instead of an evaluation. (And as a brief aside, the SAT was way too long when I was in high school. I shudder at the thought of what it must be like now with the writing section.) It’s a miserably long, drawn-out process that takes maybe a week and a half or two instead of maybe four days.
Truth be told, the worst thing about exam week in college is the papers. The exams never bothered me that much because I was too lazy to study anyway. But the papers. Ugh. Now, I’m a damn good bullshitter. I can write about as well as anyone, as you have probably deduced from my graceful style, expansive vocabulary, and mastery of the many arcane rules of English grammar (as well as by willingness to break these rules, but only when it serves a suitable artistic purpose).* But writing those papers is still damn hard work most of the time. You actually have to go back and read a bunch of that assigned reading you had spent all semester ignoring. And you have to make some sense of it, which is easier said than done when you’re studying metaphysics or reading Thucydides. And to paraphrase a quote often attributed to Abraham Lincoln and P.T. Barnum, but whose provenance is quite uncertain, you can fool some of your professors all of the time, and all of your professors some of the time, but you can’t fool all of your professors all of the time. Especially in grad school. Knowing your shit is a lot harder than cranking out elegant sentences, and there were professors smart enough to see through my veneer of good writing and excessive usage of parentheses and dashes. But not all of them were smart enough to do that, thankfully. And hey, I graduated magna cum laude from undergrad and then got a master’s degree, so I must have learned something, right? Even if what I learned has virtually no use beyond the very tiny field in which I seek to earn a living.**
Now, these papers wouldn’t be all that bad if you actually worked on them more than three days before they’re due, but what are the odds of that? Obviously in an ideal world you have a pretty broad range of topics to choose from, your professor approves your proposal, and you know from halfway through the semester what your paper will be on. But there are tests to take, parties to go to, beers to drink, etc., and the next thing you know it’s 2 a.m. right before the last day of class and your paper is due in eight hours and you haven’t written a damn thing. Procrastination’s a bitch, ain’t it? I pulled so many more all-nighters than I should have.*** I’d just hope I could think of things to say to fill out the page count. That, and I’d hope there would be something good on TV. Maybe a good movie on TCM. I remember one time they had Anchors Aweigh, which is the one where Gene Kelly dances with Jerry (as in the mouse from Tom & Jerry). Great scene (perhaps more familiar to modern audiences in that adult swim commercial where Jerry was replaced by Stewie from Family Guy).
The sad thing is, professors are usually right when they say that if you get your research done and outline what you want to say, papers usually write themselves. I don’t think I really fully appreciated that until my last semester of grad school, which is ironic in an Alanis Morissette sort of way. The problem is that that method involves doing a shitload of reading. So while it’s less stressful if you get it done ahead of time, it’s much more time-consuming, and laziness usually triumphs, especially in some class where you don’t give a shit, or you know you can get a B+ anyway even if you just muck through the final paper.
And it’s not just the papers, it’s the exams too. If it were just one or the other, it would be semi-manageable, but it’s not. Especially when professors make the final paper due the same day as the final. So you can’t study because you’re too busy writing the paper you should have already written. Brutal. I’m teaching a mythology class next semester and I’m making damn sure to make the final paper due on the last day of class, not the day of the final. Which, from a purely rational perspective, actually gives them less time to get things done, but I know how undergrads think. And I know they’re not going to study if they have a paper due the same day as the final. Having been on both sides of the issue, I completely understand when professors say “You had all semester to write your paper,” but I’m a realist. There’s no need to make things like that due on the same day.
There, that’s enough procrastinating. Go write and study now. And get off facebook. That thing is your enemy this time of year. And quit checking your e-mail. No one is going to e-mail you at 3 in the morning. You’re just stalling.
* Okay, I do make grammar mistakes, but only on things that aren’t important enough for me to care about. (Which is a perfect defense against any attacks.) And hardly anyone reads this, anyway. Trust me, I know if you’re reading this. With google analytics I’m like motherfucking Santa Claus. Okay, I can’t actually see you when you’re sleeping, but the amount of info at my fingertips is pretty stunning. So don’t ever lie to me about reading this blog in an attempt to be polite. I mean, I’m sure some people block google analytics, and I can’t say I blame them, but for my sake, I really do like the pretty map I get to look at telling me where my readers are from, and I’m kind of measuring my worth as a human being by the number of states and countries I’m crossing off the list. So far I’ve managed four continents, thanks to the joys of search engines. But only 23 states. Unfortunately this blog isn’t really well-suited for SEO unless someone types in the title of one of my blog posts. But I digress.
** I bitch about my underemployment but the hourly wage I make is pretty damn sick. (And that’s “sick” in a good way, just to be clear.) I could end up making about two-thirds of what I might be making with a full-time teaching job while doing only about one-sixth the work. Not too shabby. And how would I find time for this blog otherwise?
*** Actually, I usually went to bed from about 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., so they weren’t really all-nighters. But close enough.
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