things kevin hates

Sometimes there is such a thing as a free lunch (or breakfast). Maybe you’re at some conference or meeting or whatever, and there’s a table with free food. Maybe you’re checking out the continental breakfast at a motel (in which case you paid for the food unless someone else was paying for the hotel, but whatever). Maybe there’s some finger sandwiches or something.* If it’s a free breakfast, maybe there’s a few baskets of muffins and pastries. Or maybe there’s a tray of cookies. I’d like to discuss two specific things: muffins, and cookies. What always runs out first? Blueberry muffins and chocolate chip cookies. Always. Everyone likes them, so why even bother with the other crap?

I have never met a single person who doesn’t like blueberry muffins, nor have I ever met anyone who doesn’t like chocolate chip cookies.** Some people like other kinds of muffins or cookies—banana nut or oatmeal raisin, or whatever. I personally don’t care for just about any other type of muffin, and while sugar cookies are fine, you don’t see those at these sorts of places as often as you see those detestable, disgusting oatmeal raisin cookies. Now, I’m sure there are a few people who prefer some other types of cookies or muffins. So they can take those kinds without bothering the majority. But most people, even if they find banana nut muffins or oatmeal cookies or whatever edible, prefer chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins. If places run out of those, no big deal, they just pick something else. But given a choice, they’ll pick blueberry muffins and chocolate chip cookies. I don’t begrudge them this at all; I can’t blame them for picking something they like more, even if it means that I get screwed over and even though, from a utilitarian standpoint, their choice minimized the combined pleasure derived from the muffins or cookies for both of us.*** Whose fault is it? It’s the fault of people who set up these buffets and continental breakfasts and whatever. They’ll put out a big tray of cookies with only one-third of them chocolate chip, and five minutes later the chocolate chip cookies are gone and nothing else has even been touched. That’s borderline criminal. If you want a little bit of variety, fine. But these grossly improper ratios of muffins and cookies are a terrible loss for society. Anyone who’s ever wandered down to the lobby of a Comfort Inn only to find the blueberry muffins gone will surely understand my pain.

* Usually the finger sandwiches have mayonnaise (gross), or there’s some kind of sandwiches with way too many things on them. I like my sandwiches plain, ok? But that’s a story for another day.

** As soon as I post this, a couple of people will inevitably respond to my facebook status announcing this and say that they don’t like blueberry muffins and/or chocolate chip cookies. I wouldn’t brag about this if I were you, because if you don’t like either of those things, you’re a freak. So there.

*** I don’t really care much for utilitarianism, to be perfectly honest.