things kevin hates

I feel kind of conflicted writing this. Because I don’t hate all hipsters. And the term is a horrendously nebulous one, anyway. And it’s difficult to mock hipsters without becoming one—their movement is so obsessed with irony and putative non-conformity and feelings of superiority that just pointing out their faults makes one a sort of hipster. And because we’re all hipsters to some extent. You’re reading a blog entry about hipsters, for fuck’s sake. And even worse—I’m writing one! While researching for this I went to urbandictionary.com and the 2nd result for hipster is: “You, for reading ironic, pseudo-intellectual dictionary entries on the word ‘hipster.’” Touché, my friend, touché. And so much of the hipster mocking that goes on (LATFH being the prime example with stuff white people like operating in a similar vein) attacks a ridiculous straw-man version of hipsters. I feel like the examples I see every day are easy enough to mock, so why bother with an exaggerated paragon of the stereotype?

I guess before I continue I should try to set out some sort of definition. As this article from the Sydney Morning Herald points out, it’s hard to define, but “you know it when you see it.” I think in lieu of a conventional definition, you need some kind of checklist. A hipster doesn’t need to have all of these things, but the more matches, the more likely you’re looking at a hipster.

1. Skinny jeans (especially on males).
2. Ridiculous looking hat.
3. Ridiculous looking glasses. Even if they have 20/20 vision.
4. Ridiculous looking sunglasses (usually with each lens roughly the size of a backyard).
5. Dyed hair—the stranger the color, the better. Bonus points for multiple colors.
6. Converses—again, the stranger the color, the better. Bonus points for wearing a different color shoe on each foot (I once had a Greek professor, a guy in his late twenties, who did that).
7. Piercings in places where they shouldn’t go.
8. Cigarettes (preferably cloves, but then the hipsters’ darling Obama banned them, but they seem willing to give him a pass for that because they believe Obama can do no wrong).
9. T-shirts from bands you’ve never heard of.
10. T-shirts from early-90s nintendo games you’ve never heard of.
11. T-shirts from anything else you’ve never heard of.
12. T-shirts from things you have heard of, but worn “ironically,” whatever the hell that means.
13. 75 layers of clothes. Every layer is either too big or too small. And at least one of those layers is a scarf.
14. Blazers from the 70s, bought at a thrift store.
15. Cheap booze, like Pabst Blue Ribbon or boxed wine. Not because they’re actually poor, but letting everyone know that their parents are paying for/paying off loans for the $50k/year tuition for their private university/liberal arts college wouldn’t be cool. (N.B. I’ve already mentioned that I hate booze snobs, but drinking something cheap because other people drink it is just as bad as drinking something expensive because other people drink it.)
16. Bumper stickers. Preferably something like Nader 2000. Or a parody of a better-known bumper sticker or slogan.
17. Messenger bags. With a MacBook inside, natch.
18. V-neck t-shirts.
19. Che Guevara t-shirts.
20. Peasant skirts (especially on males).

Now, I’m sure some people reading this are hipsters, even if they wouldn’t admit it. (As this excellent article details, “hipster” is something of a dirty word among hipsters.) If you are, and you know me, assume I think you’re one of those hipsters who isn’t annoying. In all groups of people, there are always at least a few decent people. There are some people whom I consider hipsters I really respect—they avoid most of the ridiculous fashions I mentioned above, they know all the great bars and restaurants I’ve never heard of, they do all the things I know I should do but don’t (bicycling, going to farmers’ markets, seeing live music, etc). So, my friends, if you think I think you’re a hipster, assume you fall into that group.