things kevin hates

I like “The Star-Spangled Banner” a lot. I am definitely not one of those people who wants to see it replaced by something else.* However, when the song is performed, whether at sporting events, graduation ceremonies, or anywhere else, it is most commonly performed in a manner which invites complete and utter musical disaster. More often than not a lone singer, completely unaccompanied, stands at the 50-yard line or homeplate or wherever and stumbles his or her way through a mess of a rendition.

Sometimes the performance turns into a riff-fest which completely ignores any semblance of a melody. Sometimes the singer forgets the lyrics. Sometimes they have no idea how to stay on pitch. It’s a big, giant mess for just about anyone. Even Whitney Houston, in perhaps the most famous rendition ever, had a big old orchestra behind her. And I have a message for all you aspiring national anthem a capella vocalists: YOU ARE NOT WHITNEY HOUSTON. Which, in some ways, is a good thing: it means you didn’t give this interview. But did she perform at Super Bowl XXV by herself, or with an orchestra? With an orchestra. Could Whitney (pre-drugs and anorexia and Bobby Brown and everything else) have pulled it off a capella? Yes. Can you? No. I have seen lots of very good singers embarrass themselves by attempting The Star-Spangled Banner. I’ve seen good renditions of the song by marching bands, by small singing groups, by enormous choirs, by brass bands. I’ve never seen a really stellar rendition by an unaccompanied singer. Now, I’m sure there have been a few good ones.** But it takes someone with a lot of talent to pull it off. So just don’t try it. And sports teams, please quit hiring singers to butcher the national anthem. Just get a marching band, or even play a tape over the PA system. At the very least, don’t hire Carl Lewis. Or Roseanne.

*The two most oft-mentioned candidates are “God Bless America,” which isn’t a terrible song but is hardly one of Irving Berlin’s best. And it’s completely unsuited to be a national anthem. If I had to describe the song with one adjective, it would be “plaintive.” National anthems should not be plaintive. They should be rousing, moving, stirring, and so forth–but certainly not plaintive. The other is “America the Beautiful,” which would be a better choice than God Bless America, especially if we use Ray Charles’s rendition. But I still don’t like it quite as much as I like the Star-Spangled Banner, and more importantly I hate change.
**I do want to give credit to Bryan Batt for his very solid performance at the Saints’ season opener. He rushed the first part of the song a little bit, but aside from that it was quite solid. But he’s a Broadway star, and you’re not. (Unless you actually are a Broadway star in which case OMG THAT’S AWESOME PLEASE COMMENT OR E-MAIL ME AND WE CAN BE BEST FRIENDS 4EVER!!!1!)